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  CONTENTS

  CURTAIN CALL

  Luna

  MY BAD BRAIN

  Fireworks

  Seven-year-old Dodie’s hopes for the future

  The theme park’s stopped working

  ‘Hello there, yes, I’m calling about my worsening mental state?’

  Lunchtime or 4 a.m.

  Travelling and depersonalisation

  Managing and managing

  Watery milk (suicidal)

  Half good, half bad

  OBSESSIONS

  Scroll. Drink. Shrink.

  Forkfuls of salad

  Overdrinking

  An experiment

  Paint

  Skin

  Champagne and cornflakes

  CONFESSIONS

  What’s it like

  Crush

  Awkward

  Ben’s view of my concert

  Men I have loved

  My manipulative, unhealthy relationship

  I didn’t like sex

  How to have sex

  Heartbreak

  Tips

  Processing

  Dumped in Disneyland

  LIFE LESSONS

  Bisexuality – coming out to myself

  Fame

  Cooking

  Breakfasts

  Lunches

  Dinners

  Dear Hedy

  A broken family

  Homemade family

  Best friend love

  Bullying

  Pain

  Becoming woman

  Grief

  Feeling so much

  My granny

  ENCORE

  Hopes for the future

  Acknowledgements

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ‘Hey Sammy, who should I dedicate my book to?’

  Sammy’s weight falls to one side, his movements suddenly flamboyant. Pouting cheekily, he struts past, hand on hip.

  ‘Me.’

  This is for Sammy.

  SECRET FOR THE MAD

  I’ve got a secret for the mad;

  in a little bit of time it won’t hurt so bad.

  And I get that I don’t get it –

  but you will burn right now but then you won’t regret it.

  You’re not gonna believe a word I say,

  what’s the point in just drowning another day?

  And I get that I don’t get it –

  but the world will show you that you won’t regret it.

  Little things, all the stereotypes,

  they’re gonna help you get through this one night,

  and there will be a day when you can say you’re okay and mean it!

  I promise you, it’ll all make sense again.

  There’s nothing to do right now but try;

  there are a hundred people who will listen to you cry.

  And I get that they don’t get it –

  but they love you so much that you won’t regret it.

  You’re at the bottom, this is it;

  just get through, you will be fixed.

  And you think that I don’t get it –

  but I burned my way through and I don’t regret it.

  Little things, all the stereotypes,

  they’re gonna help you get through this one night,

  and there will be a day when you can say you’re okay and mean it!

  I promise you, it’ll all make sense again.

  LUNA

  ‘Is she alright?’

  It’s a sunny spring day in April and my flatmate, Hazel, and I are on our balcony. Jack, Hazel’s boyfriend, is making us a cup of tea inside and singing to himself playfully, a light soundtrack of clinks and hums. Below us, about twenty metres away, there’s a young girl in her early teens in a black puffa coat sitting on the kerb of the road by a tree and staring off into space. Every now and again the wind blows her hair and she breaks out of her spell, tucking it behind her ear, shuffling her legs and looking around, before settling back into her daze. She’s been sitting there for about half an hour while mums push their prams by, barely double taking, their kids running around them like maypole dancers.

  Hazel frowns and leans over the balcony.

  ‘She’s not, no. She looks like she’s . . . getting away a bit.’

  I give her a knowing look.

  ‘I’ve been there.’

  ‘I’ve been there,’ she echoes immediately. We grin at each other and my chest aches as I remember sitting alone on the swings in the park down my road, teeth chattering, head spinning, snot running. Hazel shivers – a similar memory has clearly also just been replayed. We turn back to the girl and sympathetically watch her pick apart her shoes and poke sticks into the ground.

  ‘Should we invite her in? Make her a cup of tea?’

  ‘I’m the one making the tea. What’s this?’ Jack joins us outside, handing us full hot mugs and collapsing into a garden chair that’s facing the sun.

  Hazel gestures towards the tree. ‘That girl over there. She’s not alright.’

  Jack leans forward in his chair and peers over the edge.

  The girl hugs her chest with folded arms.

  ‘Ah, she’s fine. She’s probably just waiting for someone.’

  Clearly, no chilling memory plays in Jack’s head.

  * * *

  We finish our tea in the sunshine, a happy cycle of side eyes and cackles from Jack as he winds us up, and returned tuts and playful smacks from me and Hazel. They grab their sunglasses and bags and ask if I want to come to town for lunch, but I tell them I want to write today and that I’ll join them later for a movie night and spaghetti bolognese round Jack’s. We sing our goodbyes, I hear the door close, and then a minute later I hear them shout my nickname from the street.

  I peer over the balcony and we make faces and laugh, our shrieks echoing down the road, and then I wave the pair of them off.

  I notice the girl glancing up, watching our dumb games and staring as Jack and Hazel turn the corner. She looks up at me. I smile back and quickly look to my laptop. I type a line that I’ve already written, suddenly embarrassed that I’m being watched, and eager to give off the impression that I am working.

  For the next ten minutes we have an unspoken awareness and curiosity of each other.

  Out of the corner of my eye I see her stand up and walk away from the tree, towards me. I close my laptop, stand up and rest my arms on the railing.

  ‘Are you alright?’

  ‘I’m not, no.’

  I grab my keys, shove on my ballet slippers and rush out the door.

  * * *

  Her name is Luna. She’s fourteen, she suffers from anxiety, and her parents don’t understand. She lives about an hour away and she’s told them she’s off to see her schoolfriends and that she’ll be back by four. She got on a train and somehow ended up here, sat by a tree and then saw us laughing on our balcony. She stayed in sight, secretly hoping we’d notice her and come down to chat. Which she seems to feel a lot of shame about.

  We slowly walk side by side, and she pours out her worries and insecurities. When she does her hair in the morning, she obsesses over how everyone will look at it in the day. She plays over sentences she messed up months ago, convinced it still brings as much embar
rassment to the people around her as it does to her now. She feels lazy and worried that she’ll never get into university because she can’t finish her homework on time.

  This girl is scared of everything.

  ‘My mum booked me an appointment with the doctor because my chest hurt so much. They couldn’t find anything wrong with the stethoscope, so they asked me how school was. And I told them it was terrible. And that’s how I found out I have anxiety,’ she babbles, scuffing stones on the pavement as we amble down the street. ‘I took an autism test and I’m apparently on the Asperger spectrum too. Which I didn’t really understand at first? And then I read how you might not like parties and how social things scare you and I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense.’

  We walk to the park and get ice creams with strawberry sauce on top. She’s terrified of everything. I wonder how someone so talkative could ever be as quiet as she says she is; until I realise I’m a stranger, and she’s pouring out years of built-up fear.

  We talk about family, friends and then crushes. ‘Actually, I’m going out with this boy accidentally, kinda because he’s this pop punk singer’s godson. He said he liked me and then the whole band showed up at our school? So I said I liked him back, when I don’t actually know if I do. I know, it’s really bad. I’m the worst.’

  I smirk, jumping back into teenage-me brain and remembering the cringe-filled months of dating someone I didn’t fancy because someone liked me.

  ‘It’s alright, I’m not judging. That’s what being a teenager is for – you make mistakes, things get shitty, and then you learn from them.’

  ‘Things get shitty?’ She turns to me, and it’s as if I can feel her heart rate increase. I frown.

  I revisit teenage-me for a moment. Suddenly I’m seeing everything through her eyes, and my chest closes up. My brain is a chaotic mess; the world is vivid, exciting, terrifying. School is overwhelming, my family is draining, and the future is unbearable; everything is a question, and I hate myself. I step out of her eyes, back into the brain of my twenties, and breathe a sigh of relief. I smile, and I know what to say.

  ‘I had a granny when I was your age, whom I loved more than anything in the world. She’d meet me outside school with sweets and magazines, and rub my cold hands together in the winter to warm them up. I knew that she was old, and I knew one day she would die, and I knew that on that day, the world would end. I couldn’t fathom the amount of pain losing someone like her would bring. She couldn’t die; I wouldn’t be able to handle it.’

  Luna turns white.

  ‘Well, she died. Of course. And guess what? The world didn’t end.’

  ‘It was horrible. You know, the funeral was literally the worst day of my life, my mum got sick from grief, and it hurt, so, much. It hurt a lot for a long time. And I still miss her now, sometimes. But years went by, it wasn’t terrible every second, and it got easier every day. Now it’s just something that happened, and we all laugh and smile and we can talk about her and it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

  ‘Me and my family all lived in one house, and it was always going to be that way. Like, logically, I knew that I’d move out? But even if that happened I’d still have my little room, and mum and dad would always live in a messy, dark, homey shithole in Epping, arguing every day over who forgot to buy milk. There was no way that could ever change, because if it did the world would end and I wouldn’t know who I am any more. Can you see where this is heading?’

  Luna stares at me intently. She nods.

  ‘So yeah, when I’m seventeen, I learn that one day my family will blow up. I won’t go into logistics but essentially I find out a secret that I keep for four years, blah blah blah, it’s all very traumatic, and last year it comes out and everything goes apeshit. I spend a year parenting my parents, our family house gets sold, and there are strangers in my little room, measuring the wardrobes I kept my toys in and discussing where the desk is going to go in Iain’s room. It’s horrible, it’s sad. We drive around the corner of the road I used to ride my bike down, and I say goodbye and ugly cry so loud it feels like my throat is about to explode. But the world doesn’t end. Yes, it’s painful, and I’m confused about my new identity of someone whose parents are split up, and yes, it’s an ongoing weird battlefield of a family. But we all still love each other in our weird way, and it’s taught me so much about myself that I’d never have known. In fact, the idea of everyone still living in that house now seems ridiculous. I’d never go back.’

  I swallow, my throat tightening.

  ‘I had a best friend called Alice. She lived across the road from me, and we used to open our windows and have conversations across the street. No one will ever know me as well as Alice used to know me, and I’ll never be as comfortable around another human as I was with her. Every day with her was filled with uncontrollable laughter and indescribable happiness; we had hundreds of private jokes that could trigger fits of giggles at any point in the day, and we’d write several-page letters of how much we loved each other and how proud we were to know one another. We’d have sleepovers every week and we’d sit in our facemasks, chewing Haribo and vowing to get married at thirty if we hadn’t found love. We dreamed of us rocking in our chairs with silver hair in the final years of our lives, still quoting our dumb phrases that we crafted as teens. The day I found it difficult or awkward to talk to Alice would be the day the world would end, because then I’d be alone, and no one would ever love me or know me that much again.

  ‘I went out with a jealous boy who I moved hundreds of miles away for, and Alice went to university in a different place. We talked less and less and then not at all, for about a year. I guess I relied on the idea that when we’d see each other the time and distance apart wouldn’t matter? Because we were Alice and Dodie, and that would never change. But it did change – we changed. On different sides of the country. So when we met up again, for the first time, it was difficult. And awkward.

  ‘I’ll admit – the world did end a little bit for this one. Especially because on her wall in her uni bedroom there were pages of letters from someone else containing private jokes that I didn’t know about. I brought my facemask packs and Haribo sweets and they stayed in my bag because it felt too weird to ask, and we’d both forgotten how to talk to each other.

  ‘If teenage me had known that this would have happened she definitely wouldn’t have wanted to live through it. She’d have crawled into a little hole and given up on everything completely. But thankfully I didn’t know, so I had to trek through it all; and now it’s okay. We had a little break, where we both grew up, and it was unbearable for a bit. But now when I talk to Alice there’s no tiptoeing around, or burning jealousy, and it’s almost back to how we used to talk, except we’ve both grown up a little.

  ‘Someone wonderful in my music class got cancer and died. I took a gap year after school ended because I was so confused and terrified I couldn’t handle writing a personal statement. I didn’t revise as well as I could have done in year thirteen and ended up with not the best grades. I was so scared of getting depression, and guess what? I have a lovely little cocktail of mental health problems. I was terrified of all these things, and they all happened. And things got shitty.’

  Luna’s brow furrows. I should probably evaluate quickly.

  ‘My point is, a lot of my worst fears came true; fears that felt so big I could barely hold them in my brain. Things are going to get weird and bad in your life, and your brain demands that you prepare for them as best as you can; when, really, there’s not much point in worrying about them before because you never know when or how they will happen, and actually they’re never really as bad as you think they will be. The world doesn’t end. In fact, it pushes on and demands to keep spinning through all sorts of mayhem, and you survive through. And because you survive through, you learn lessons about how to be a stronger, kinder, better human – lessons you can only learn by going through these sorts of things.’

  We stop walking, and I turn to h
er, smiling. I am digging through years of pain, things that I never thought I could talk about to anyone, let alone a stranger – but it’s alright. I’ve never realised how proud of myself I am.

  ‘All of my shit that happened? I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, because I’m so grateful for how each experience has shaped me. I’ve learned to love myself through them, and while I’m not saying it’s easy to be excited about possiblde disasters, I just want to say that whatever happens – you can and will be okay. More than okay.’

  Luna nibbles the skin around her thumbnail for a bit. We start walking again, both licking the drips running down our cones. I slurp up the remaining ice cream and crunch into the waffle, while Luna chucks hers in a bin we pass by.

  ‘What?! You throw away the cone? That’s the best bit! What’s wrong with you!’ I say playfully.

  ‘A lot, obviously. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,’ she jokes back.

  On the way back to my flat, I learn that Luna’s good at guitar, and that she’s in a band she named ‘Einstein’s Monsters’ after her favourite book of short stories. She’s also very witty and funnier than I’ll ever be, although most of her one-liners are self-deprecating. I listen to her babble and casually use her self-doubt to make us laugh, and I suddenly realise how stupid and illogical insecurity is. It is unfair that wonderful people have to work so hard to get to a place where they can understand that they are wonderful.

  * * *

  We reach my door and stop to squint and smile at each other in the sunshine.

  ‘Well, I should probably get back home. And you should probably keep going with your writing.’ Luna shuffles.

  I suddenly raise my brows in response to a little spark in my head. ‘Can I write about you?’

  Luna sticks out her bottom lip. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because you’re so inspiring.’

  Luna looks down, hiding a flushed smile.

  ‘I’d have to change your name though. What would you like to be called?’

  She looks up, grinning. ‘Einstein’s Monster?’

  I laugh.

  She looks around. ‘Um . . . Luna? That’s the name of my cat.’